His Needs, Her Needs (Part 2) - Honesty & Openness, Financial Support


3. Honesty and openness A. Christians in general should speak the truth (Eph 4:25), but it's even more important for husbands and wives to do so. i. It's best to begin speaking the truth in our hearts (Psa 15:2). ii. When we speak the truth in our hearts, it will naturally come out of our mouths (Luk 6:45). B. A wife's sense of security depends on the honesty and openness of her husband. i. "A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. "To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. What has he done? What is he thinking or doing right now? What plans does he have? If she can't trust the signals he sends (or if, as in the case of Frank, he refuses to send any signals), she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of growing up with him, she grows away from him." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 91) C. Don't just tell your spouse what you think they want to hear for fear of hurting their feelings. i. When my wife asks me a difficult question, she always adds, "Honesty is the best policy." ii. "Whenever and wherever your mate asks you how you feel, tell the truth. It is foolish to lie out of fear that you will hurt your spouse's feelings (or possibly hurt your own pride). Your mate has the right to your innermost thoughts. Your mate should know you better than anyone else in the world -- even your parents." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 92) iii. ""Knowing you" includes your good and bad feelings, your frustrations, your problems and fears -- anything that is on your mind. The Bible calls it "two becoming one"; we psychologists label it "achieving good marital compatibility."" (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 92) D. Different types of lying husbands i. The "born" liar a. This is the husband who has always told "little" lies since he was a child. b. "He fabricates stories about events in his past and constantly distorts the truth in subtle ways that seem almost unnoticeable -- at first. One can usually catch the born liar easily enough by doing a little simple checking. But be warned. When confronted, he usually excuses himself by pleading "a poor memory." A chronic liar finds it nearly impossible to consistently admit the truth about himself." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 93) c. If you are dating someone like this, dump him now. d. If you are married to someone like this, may God have mercy on you. e. This liar needs rebuked sharply (Tit 1:12-13). ii. The "avoid trouble" liar a. This is the husband who usually only lies to get himself out of trouble when he has done something wrong or forgot to do something he was supposed to. b. This type of dishonesty can be very destructive to a wife's trust and to the marriage. c. This husband needs reminded that liars will have their part in the lake of fire (Rev 21:8). iii. The "protector" liar a. This is the husband that will lie to "protect" his wife. b. This could be lying about the state of their finances so that she won't worry about it. c. The problem with this type of lying, aside from it being sinful, is that the wife doesn't know about the things that her husband is dealing with and she will not understand when he is stressed or irritable. d. And furthermore, if the problem which the lies were told to cover up continues to fester and one day blows up, then the wife is hit with an even bigger amount of stress without warning. E. Beware of the "little white lies." i. Example: telling your wife a "little white lie" concerning your thoughts on her weight gain. a. It is not wise to tell your wife that her weight gain is okay with you when it's not. b. If you do this she will think you don't care and she will not try to lose weight, or may even gain more. c. Then one day when it has been bothering you for months or years you finally make a cutting remark and her feelings are hurt and you loose major points in her Love Bank. d. It is much better to tell her the truth in a loving and compassionate way so that she knows how you feel and can then takes steps to lose weight. e. Also, never make sarcastic comments or tease your wife about her weight, especially in front of others! f. Remember, charity is kind (1Co 13:4). ii. "But when a husband tells his wife the truth, he builds her emotional stability. By always being truthful he tells her he knows she can handle it and can change when she must. The truth demolishes false impressions and illusions. Life becomes more predictable and rational because now she can understand her husband's behavior. The truth may be painful at times (and he should strive to deal gently with the truth), but truth does not drive a woman crazy. On the contrary, a woman feels in control, because now she knows what she needs to do to change the situation. "A husband does his wife no favors when he tells "protective" lies to make her feel secure and loved. Eventually exactly the opposite happens. A husband must present himself to his wife as he is. Then she can adjust, negotiate, and draw closer to him." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 96) F. Honesty is the best policy. Let's all practice being completely honest with our wives. 4. Financial support A. Husbands are supposed to provide for the needs of their wives, which is why financial support is one of the primary needs of a wife. i. Husbands are supposed to nourish their wives (Eph 5:28-29). a. To nourish a wife is to provide for her needs and well being. b. Nourish v. II. 5. b. To sustain (a person or living organism) with food or proper nutriment. c. To supply (a thing) with whatever is necessary to promote its growth or formation, or to maintain it in proper condition. ii. A man has to provide financially for those of his own house and if he doesn't he is worse than an infidel (1Ti 5:8). iii. It follows that if the scripture says that wives are to be keepers at home (Tit 2:5), and to guide the house (1Ti 5:14), then the husband must of necessity be out in the world providing for the means of sustenance of the family. a. Jesus taught that at His second coming women would be grinding (grain, etc. for making food) and men would be in the field (Luk 17:35-36). b. The husband of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 was known in the gates while his wife was taking care of things at home (Pro 31:23). (i) Gate - 2. In Biblical phraseology, after Hebrew; ellipt. for gate(s) of the city as a place of judicial assembly. (ii) He was not at home, but rather in the city among the elders of the land where he was providing for his family. B. Most women (who have not been deceived by the feminist agenda) deep down want to be homemakers and be financially supported by their husbands. i. "In truth a woman does marry a man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 121) ii. "Whatever women say in public about their willingness to share the burden of making a living, in private I hear something entirely different. Married women tell me they resent working, if their working is an absolute necessity. Even part-time work sometimes irritates them if their income has to help pay for basic living expenses." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 122) iii. "A husband's failure to provide sufficient income for housing, clothing, food, transportation, and the other basics of life commonly causes marital conflict in our society." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 122) iv. "I strongly disagree with the materialistic trend that has forced women into the work force simply to "keep up with the Joneses," not to mention just to keep up with the bank and the credit-card bills. Many couples set a standard of living for themselves far higher than they need to be happy. If they would simply reduce their standards of living to a point of comfort, many could avoid husbands working long hours and wives pressured to earn a paycheck." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 122) v. "If a couple can "bite the bullet" and lower an unrealistic standard of living, that action frees the husband to set realistic economic objectives regarding the family's basic financial needs. But as long as their wives keep working so that together they can finance the big house, big cars, and everyone's credit-card habit, where is the incentive to cut back?" (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 123) vi. "Some well-intentioned people, in the guise of advocating women's rights, encourage all women to develop a career, because they see employment as a right and privilege. However they fail to consider that a woman also has a right and privilege to spend time as a homemaker and full-time mother. Those who argue that women do better to choose a career sometimes fail to understand their needs as mothers." (Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs, p. 123) vii. As a disclaimer, Harley is a proponent of married women having careers if they want them. I disagree with him on this because the scripture says that women are supposed to be keepers at home.